Currently Listening Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind By Various Artists, Jon Brion everybody's gotta learn sometime. see related

Well here we are again.

Welcome to Finals Week, 2007.  If you, my faithful readers, remember correctly, at this time last year my Xanga was full of nostalgia and sadness over the impending departure from Miami University.  So since it's around that time, shouldn't another similar entry be frequenting the page? 

Nope.  Not this year.  This year, everything is so, so different.

I don't feel like I even need to say goodbye to anyone, because everyone seems to have said goodbye to me months ago.

Ever since Matt and I haven't been together it's been undoubtedly different, and this I expected.  I knew things probably would never be the same with him and I ever again, and I was ready to accept that.  But where did everybody else go?

I never did anything wrong to anyone.  Not even Matt.  Yet suddenly, everyone is just.. gone.  I've basically been completely, 100% abandoned.  My phone has not rang in months with a call from any of these people unless it was a need for something.  "Where's so-and-so?"  "Can I borrow your ____?"  "You need to move your car." 

What happened to my friends?

And I'm sure every one of these people would come right back to me with a "you're the one who left us, you never come hang out.." etc.  But hey.. Matt himself told me to stay away so he could cope.  That's fine.  But there have even been times where I've tried to come down and hang out, and either you've been out, or seemed not to enjoy my company.  What's kept anyone from walking up the stairs to come see how I'm doing?  It hasn't happened.

Not.  Once.

People always talk about how after a change in the norm, you realize who your true friends are.  The ones who stick by you no matter what happens.

Turns out I have no one.

I just want to go home.

Currently Listening Strange and Beautiful By Aqualung tongue-tied see related

I am standing upon the seashore.  A ship at my side spreads his white sails to the morning breeze and starts towards the blue ocean.  He is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch him until at length he hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with one another.

Then someone at my side says, "There!  He's gone!"  Gone where?  Gone from my sight, that is all.  He is just as large in mast and hull and spar as he was when he left my side, and he is just as able to bear his load of living freight to his destined port.

His diminished size is in me, not in him.  And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There!  He's gone!"  there are other eyes watching him coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "There he comes!"

And that is dying.

Matthew McClain (1956-2007)

Currently Listening Continuum By John Mayer slow dancing in a burning room. see related

One of the best postsecrets I've seen in awhile.

     So I'm home for winter break.  There are only five days until Christmas, and I honestly can't say that I'm all that excited.  How much do I suck for that?  I thought my Christmas spirit would find me once I came home to Centerville, but there's still something missing.  No one in my family seems to really care about the holiday this year, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it.  I've done 90% of all the decorations, even things that were never my responsibility before (partly in an effort to fight the impending fake tree my parents want to purchase in the future).  All of it feels a little.. off.  I can't even have a Christmas morning with my family because my brother has to work.  Maybe when you get older, you're not allowed to have a magical Christmas.  Maybe it's reserved for the young.

Sometimes, it really hurts to grow up.

It's nice to be home though, at least.  My brain needed a break from education, among other things.  I have three weeks of relatively stress-free time, before going back to Oxford for new classes and a new roommate.  Rita is going to be in France all of next semester, leaving me to be placed with some random scary person who may or may not force me to move down to the boys' floor.  Thanks a lot, jerk.  Not really.  I'm just going to really miss her.  The good-bye hugs were a lot more difficult than I anticipated. 

In other news, my uncle has been out of the hospital for a week or so, and is doing much better.  Thanks so much for all the thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes. 

Other than all this, there isn't a ton going on.  I'm still practicing my horribile sleeping habits and spending way too much time doing absolutely nothing.  But I'm sure that doesn't surprise anyone.  My current obsessions are the new John Mayer CD, my new Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy" perfume I got for myself, and my bunny slippers.  And ruining my texting bill.  But that never changes either.  I guess I don't ever really change all that much, despite what some people may think.  I just dye my hair too much, and keep poking new holes in my body (as my dad would say).

Well I'm sure whoever reading, if anyone, has had their fill of my babbling for now.  Perhaps I'll make an entry in the next few days with my Christmas wish list.  Probably not.  In all likelihood I'll forget about this thing for another month.  Meh.

I'll leave it to mystery.